Why should not you rush to divorce?
If you are around the age of 40, you have probably noticed that many of your friends have been divorced or in proceedings or just before. So why not join a trend of divorcees divorced?
After all, they have a life, a night or two free to celebrate every week and every second weekend alone, they have no quarrels and their lives are painted in rainbow colors. Or so it seems.
But just before you intend to break up the family simply because it feels easier to disassemble, stop for a moment and think a few steps ahead.
I know that many of my friends look at me from the side and envy that I go out, live, spend, that part of the time I’m like a spinster without children and that my life is beautiful,
Because they have a partner who no longer appreciates them, is not considerate, they are self-evident, they have forgotten what passion is and how it is to feel loved.
They are certain that after the divorce they’re life are colored with pink and that people will stand in line and everyone will be more perfect than the other.
So let me tell you a little secret – the world of dating is actually a meat market.
People get out of a divorce with traumas and scars that are hard to heal.
They close their hearts, exhausted, in an endless race after their own tail and already know that for the next day you’ll get happy and full of optimism to get excited and maybe even fall in love,
But in the end, you will find yourself dating someone only to find out after a while that he too has severe scratches and after a while, you wonder if it would be better to just stay with your children’s father and try to correct.
Because now that the kids have grown up, and there’s already a lot less stress in the system, maybe it could have worked.
But we’re sure the neighbor’s grass is greener.
We are a generation of independent and strong women and we can manage and conquer the world, but believe me, it’s not worth it.
Our children need a unified family unit to get security and if you find yourself in a long, exhausting, exhausting and exhausting divorce process to satisfy the hurt ego of either side, it is going to be a battle of attrition that has no winners, only losers, and your children are the first to be hit.
I can say that being divorced with children is not easy. It’s even hard. is very.
In all aspects – physical, mental, economic, you are in a state of survival if your partner decides that he shirks responsibility.
And the judicial system? It will help you or not, with long, tedious, cumbersome procedures, and ultimately it depends on which side the judge gets up in the morning or how well your partner’s lawyer knows to lie.
Meanwhile? You’re exhausted. The partner is exhausted, and the children are neglected somewhere in the middle, trying to find a hand to hold on to but you are tired, busy, angry and hurt and your heart is closed.
When we are in a long relationship, we take our partner for granted and then we get divorced and realize how much.
We take for granted that there is someone there who is with us at home to share assignments.
We take for granted that there are those who are rehabilitating children at night, will help with showers or dinner.
We take for granted that there are those who will carry the supermarket for us.
We take for granted that we have someone to sit within the evening to watch TV and put our heads at the end of a busy, or hard day.
That there is someone who hugs us at night,
That there are those who will take care of the children when we are ill.
We take our family for granted.
The fact that on Shabbat morning we go out with the children as a family room that includes father, mother, and children.
The fact that on holidays with all the nerves and hysteria, still, we have a family.
And then, getting divorced.
And for a moment and a half there is a relief and there is air and you breathe deeply and there is a world waiting for us,
But then, after the euphoria passes, reality comes and in some cases, we realize that we have lost our best friend.
That our economic reality has changed, that we are alone.
Crashing or falling is a privilege we do not have, and sometimes our partners will break it up for themselves, and then you will have to assume all the responsibility that there are children and have needs and life goes on.
We discover that on holidays, or on Saturdays when everyone is together, some of us would like to feel an entire family again. And sometimes it’s hard for us to admit it, even to ourselves.
We realize that maybe we were too reckless, and we did not think about it to the end because we have children.
And we forget them many times on the way.
But even their world is crumbling and the ground is falling under their feet.
All they wanted was to see Father and Mother together in the same house again.
I remember the period before the divorce. Was much worse than good.
I was sure I would be happy once I lived alone, I would be independent, no one would tell me what to do, and I would find a partner who was much more suited to me.
And I did find some, but it did not hold forever.
With time I realized that maybe if I waited a little longer, it might have worked differently.
Over time I realize that if we were maybe fighting a bit more to save instead of to dismantle, with the same energy and investment it could have worked.
I see my children and how sad it is for them that my father and mother are not together, and I see how much each small thing shakes them and wonders, with quite a bit of guilt, what could have been done differently.
So just before you run to the court or another lawyer who understands that he should inflame the flames and anger between you and give you tools to screw your father or mother of your children, stop.
Take time out.
Take a weekend with your partner.
Take a hotel, pamper yourself, go out, try to revive romance.
Try to remember why you fell in love with your partner and find that man he once was deep inside or your woman.
Do you know why Chapter 2 is more successful than Chapter One? Because you have more free time to cultivate the relationship.
Because you have a weekend without children, just like when you were single.
If the children are small and not good, try to take responsibility for how you can change.
Talk to your partner.
Look what he really needs.
Take a free evening with friends occasionally, separately, open up hobbies, give space to each other.
Men – start getting back early at least once a week to take part in childcare. Do not wait for a divorce for that.
And another little thing – if you have small children, do not rush to divorce. Wait for them to reach the age of five. This is an age when they are more self-employed, more understanding, and your life will look different than a divorce with small children.
Today, I was supposed to celebrate my 13th anniversary.
Four years after we parted, I am much older, more sober, more different.
I know that if there was an opportunity, I might try to turn the clock back and fix it from where I am today
Because I see how much pain the children have, how much they still need two parents to give them confidence.
Because today, the proportions are different. They are different.
Today – I need someone to be with me and today in other relationships I can appreciate having someone with me.
Even if it’s just sitting in front of the TV.
But in my case, it probably will not happen anymore,
Try to save in your case, take a break or whatever it takes to keep from losing what you have.
It is valuable and sometimes much more than we think.