If you are married or have been in a relationship for more than 4-5 years, you are likely to have reached a stage where the relationship begins to enter a certain routine.
Sometimes it’s bad, sometimes less good, sometimes boring, frustrating or discouraging.
Especially when there is a small baby or a few children in the picture, there is a much higher erosion of the relationship and many people find themselves wondering whether it is worth divorcing and wondering – will they be better off without their partner?
This is due in part to a number of reasons – the erosion of the relationship, the taking of the partner’s self-evidentness, cumulative fatigue and stress due to raising children, maneuvering between work and home, there is not always cooperation on the part of the other spouse or in many cases, women find themselves spending time with The children spend many hours feeling that a whole load of child care and home falls on them, without too much help from their partner.
So, in fact, all these harsh feelings accumulate into frustration and frustration that sometimes they come out with anger, quarrels and explosions, which make us wonder where the partner who married him?
Where was the person we wanted to spend our whole lives with? Does that mean it is? Is this how our life is going to look from now to eternity?
This is not what we signed!
There is some expectation that things will improve and change, but over time they are only getting worse.
Just before you make decisions and sink into despair,
I would like to invite you to ask yourself a few questions that will help you to sort out your thoughts and understand a little more the meaning and implications of divorce.
10 Questions You Should Ask Yourself If You Are Considering Divorce:
1. Do I keep to spend quality time with my partner?
One of the main reasons for marital or marital attrition is when the stressful routine takes over and people forget to make time for a relationship.
Remember how in the beginning you would go out to restaurants and vacations and just stroll around the beach in the evening or on nature walks, talking, laughing, enjoying, maybe drinking a bit, dressing well, cultivating yourself and feeling alive.
And all you have now is routine. Children, home, spouse, work.
Ask yourself – when did you last go out alone with your partner?
When did you last go for a weekend alone, just the two of you, even if it’s only a night at the Zimmer?
Do you stick to a date every two to three weeks with your partner?
Do you have conversations with each other? Or just complain and give orders?
Many people look at the relationship in Chapter 2 as something magical and beautiful and happy.
The main difference between Chapter One and Chapter 2 is that in Chapter 2, you are much more available and are more sensitive to the quality of the couple. In most cases, you have the second weekend each time alone with your partner.
You go out together and have fun, and you can get away for 24 hours or 48 hours from the children’s troubles, the home, and the work.
- Why wait for the second episode to do it after a long, painful and arduous journey?
- Why not try to spend a little more on your current partner? Who may also feel a bit not seeing him.
- Why not ask the parents to look after the children for one night and go to get some air and enjoy yourselves?
Go out to a good restaurant, dress up in the evening, drink some wine and try to regain the lost passion?
You have nothing to lose .
If you go to couples counseling, the first thing you will be given as homework is to go on a double date once or twice a month.
Start from there before you go to couples counseling.
2. Do I have small children?
If you have small children under the age of five, you should take a deep breath and try to stay together.
It is a known fact that small children add stress to the system.
There is even a kind of concept like this – the first child crisis.
Did you know that a large number of married couples come to a major marital crisis in the first six months after the birth of a baby?
Usually, the pregnancy comes after the honeymoon period is over and then there’s a period where you’re mostly busy yourself and then there’s a baby and everyone is just busy with it and it breaks the balance at home.
Sometimes it takes a short time to adjust to the change and sometimes it can take months, especially when there is poor communication between the couple or a poor financial situation.
Most couples will tell you that after a while this crisis is over. It’s getting better.
Who learn to live together and enjoy the relationship with the child as well. Then comes the second child and sometimes the third one and there is more stress.
Usually, as children grow up and become more independent – which means you have more free and sane time during the day and routine, it gets easier.
This relief takes place around the age of five when the kids really do leapfrog and growing up and suddenly you find out that all you need to do is take care of them, organize and clean them and be around.
Without being close to them and giving air. And from this place, you have more time to invest in relationships.
So if you wait for a little, take a little air separately, there is a good chance that as the children grow up, the problems between you will be solved.
Of course, if there is a common desire to save and improve.
Divorce with young children is not simple and even very difficult, especially if there is no joint custody and in terms of expenses, there are many more when they are small in front of the city garden and diapers, lunch and summer camps.
3. Do I still love my partner?
Most people who have been married for many years will find it difficult to say whether they still love.
The more accurate definition is “normal” for the partner, but try to think how you will feel in your heart and stomach if you get up in the morning and your partner will no longer be there.
And not just for a day or two but for a period.
Some say that the best way to love someone is to understand that they might lose him.Do not take your partner and his love for granted.
There is this stage of falling in love at the beginning of the relationship with the butterflies and the passion that never ends, and then after a while there is routine, and children and pressure, and all these beautiful feelings are pushed aside.
Try to maintain the relationship.
Send a message to your partner during the day of “Just thought about you”, come back! Return the passion and relationship and warmth to the relationship.
Pass your messages to your partner and see if there are more general things like a shopping list or when you come back and practical operative conversations.
Try to add some hearts, smiles and see what happens.
When was the last time you sent your partner an “I love you” message, just like that for no reason?
Open your heart. Remember that there is a person in front of you who would also like to feel loved just like you.
Let him feel it too.
Sometimes even a small change that begins in us can affect the entire relationship.
4. How is our financial situation?
If you are in a stressful economic situation, this is one of the main reasons for marital crises and divorce.
Everyone blames the other or living in a pressure cooker becomes unbearable until all you want to do is run away, especially if we add to the equation small and demanding children, and then it’s easier for the couple to get away.
If you are in a poor financial situation, consider that divorce may exacerbate it, since you will have to split up and your expenses will double. And if in the current situation you find it difficult to make ends meet, it will only get worse.
Try to test an economic recovery plan with financial advisors and try to improve the situation before you run into a divorce.
It would be better to even try to consider living together as parrots in the same house until an economic recovery if the marital situation is really bad, to try to somehow reduce the economic burden and do what is possible to begin putting money aside.
Ask yourself, in a better economic reality, with much less stress and worry, is your relationship likely to be more stable?
If the answer is yes, try to see how you are improving the economic situation. Divorce costs a lot more.
5. Do I plan to have more kids?
If you have only one or two children and your planning has another child, it is best to bring it to your current partner.
There are many men and women who are considering divorce and are already building on the next family in which they will bring more children together with a new partner in order to have a large family.
If this is the case, you do not want to get divorced and go on an unknown path, who knows how long it will take you to recover from it and maybe it’s better to stay with your current partner, bring with him another child or two, try to save the couple and your family, And fewer complexes.
You can always live in a relationship with someone who has children or not, and if you want more children later it’s always possible, but getting divorced when there’s one child is not easy for a child.
I see from my children that they have each other, they are three, and even when they are with their father I know that they have the confidence that they are not alone, no matter what happens to him.
Together this is a strength.
They love each other and also mowers sometimes, but I’m in favor of one family unit and for the kids, it’s much less frustrating.
And parents, because if you get divorced and have to hire one child alone, it’s much more complicated than spending two or three children for a whole weekend, with all the logistical difficulty. On the practical level, it is much simpler.
So maybe it’s sometimes better to have another child with your partner before deciding to divorce. And maybe after a while, the relationship will get better and the divorce will come off the chapter.
6. Will I have support?
Ask yourself, will you have support from your family and friends after you get divorced?
Will you have economic help if you need to? A place to live, or even a babysitter from your parents sometimes?
When you go to divorce, you know how it starts but you never know how it will end and in a while.
Unfortunately, today there are quite a few lawyers who turn the fire between spouses who are in conflict and make complex and complicated procedures to waste people money.
The process of divorce through a court is expensive and painful financially. You must be prepared with support – mental, physical, economic, emotional. With friends who will be there for you.
If you come from a home where your parents are against a divorce, they may not be able to support you when you need them.
If you decide that you are going to the process, consult with close friends, close family members, and try to figure out who is in your favor, what you think about it and how much comfort you can find in difficult moments because you will have quite a few.
7. What is the real reason I want to divorce?
Try to be honest and ask yourself the real reason you want to divorce.
Is it an emotional, mental or physical need? Is it from a place where you feel that you are taken for granted, that you are not respected, that you feel you have no place in your partner’s heart?
Do you feel that someone else can give you more love?
Is there a betrayal of the story? Yours or your partner?
Check with yourself what the real reason is for your most honest place, and try to see if this is something that you can bring to your partner as a need that will require correction.
Such as lack of intimacy, lack of affection, maybe if you have a conversation with your partner and go to couples counseling, it can help and change.
If your spouse is very dependent on you and how you feel and the level of regret expressed by the partner and how much he really intends to respect you and change and not betray again. If this is over the second time, consider that this is probably his or her character and that will not change.
8. Is the vision of 5 years ahead, do you think that there is a chance to improve the current situation with your partner?
If you look 5 years ahead, try to imagine how your reality can show – that the children will grow a bit, the economic situation may improve because you will have more time to invest in the career and maybe promotions at work for one or two of you.
Suddenly you’re 7 or 8 years old, which means you’ll have to deal with them less, or do you know that your partner is going through a difficult period of crisis that may pass, is it better to take air and try to connect to a different perspective?
Maybe you should go to a couple therapy, try to save, get some more air for both of you, bring a bridge to help you improve communication so you can get along more easily together?
It’s always possible to dismantle. To fix later, it’s harder.
So try fixing now. And after you know that you really did and tried everything, you can always reconsider.
9. Do I feel that I have a place and that I am valued in the relationship?
One of the main reasons for divorce is the feeling that we are not valued in the relationship and that we are taken for granted.
I got to know quite a few divorced and divorced women who were in this place.
The reason they were not evaluated by the spouse was that they did not appreciate themselves.
They were the ones who allowed them to be treated with disrespect for years, they were the ones who let them trample on them. They were the ones who, whenever they had to do something, immediately took responsibility for everything and left no room for the other side.
As long as you do not change anything within yourselves, in your own inner appreciation of yourself, no change will happen outside. Not with the current spouse and not with those who will follow him.
As long as you do not go around the world with the feeling that you are amazing and wonderful and you have value, outsiders will not broadcast you anything else.
When you match how you feel inside, that you value yourself, how others treat you and appreciate you, then your partner will appreciate you too.
It’s all about how you allow others to treat you.
Do you constantly criticize yourself? Feel guilty all the time? Feel wrong? Feel small? In such a situation it is worthwhile to do a job with a professional – an awareness job or a workshop that can help you find your place within you and in your relationship.
Keep in mind that as long as you do not take care of yourself at the level of personal awareness, sometimes it is not even related to the partner, then there will be no change in the relationship.
If you make a fundamental change in yourself and your perception, it can certainly affect the relationship and improve it because something else will project from you towards others and towards your partner.
Something in you will broadcast – I am worthy of appreciation. I deserve love. I’m amazing and deserve to be happy.
And you’ll be surprised to discover that the environment is amazingly responsive.
10. Are the thoughts about divorce fresh or have been in the system for several months?
The best way to know if it’s right for you to divorce is to think about it for a long time. Examine changes over time, try to observe from the sidelines and be as objective as possible about the relationship, before deciding to dismantle.
Divorce has become a kind of trend and a lot of people rush to divorce, sometimes shortly after the wedding or after the birth of the first child.
There are those who have a month or two of difficulty breaking them and they prefer to run away rather than deal.
There are those who spend years in a place of indecision and do not decide.
Something in this place of not making a decision, like sitting on the fence, also affects the relationship and the couple communication.
It puts an energy of blasts into the relationship and affects the partner and all the members of the household.
Sometimes we are so engrossed in these energies of deliberation and thoughts about what will happen in the future, so we do not see the partner, and even if he makes efforts to improve his behavior or the marital communication, you will look at the relationship from the prism in which it no longer works.
So you can not see, even if things change and improve because you are stuck in a certain perspective.
So, even if you are considering divorce, take the time to check it out.
Try to be in awareness. To look at the partner, to try to see and understand what he needs and what he lacks.
What is his deepest need for the relationship – and try to see if you can give it to him and what happens when you do it?
Try these small tests.
You’ll be surprised. Feel it. Think of small gestures that will make your partner feel that you are seeing him.
Whether you want to order a babysitter and go out to a movie and dinner at a good restaurant, or even a surprise weekend after you organize a children’s arrangement with your grandparents, or if she is with the children at home and you come back late, stop at a restaurant and bring her and Tikkawi the dish you like, The cake or food he likes best, try to remember how you were at the beginning of the relationship and try to recover parts from there.
And finally – another little tip.
Cultivate yourselves and yourselves. There is no reason to go around in a sweatshirt, sloppy, unskilled, unshaven, unclassified. Women – even at home you can make a little makeup, it will also make you feel good.
Take care to remove hair in the legs, and in other places, put body lotion, binge, get back to being off. It will also make you feel better and refreshed.
If your partner is used to seeing you sloppy and neglected at home, try wearing jeans and a flattering shirt, even if it requires a bra and a home. You will occasionally surprise with sexy lingerie ..
Many couples neglect the relationship and think that in the next relationship they will be much better, but then they find that without a little effort, each relationship will erode over time and without investing and nurturing the relationship, the next relationship will fade.
So why not try to save what is there?
Why not try to get the most out of what you have and perhaps rediscover your partner and love?
I tell you from experience.
There is a jungle outside.
And even if you or you look good, it does not necessarily mean that you will get into a relationship that will last forever.
You may meet a lot of unsuitable people on the way, it may end up not nice and then there are also kids in the middle who have to deal with them ..
So try to stop. Take air.
Even if you decide to divorce, do it after you have done your own work and when there is a professional who is there for you and accompanies you in the process. This can significantly reduce damage and help you make a decision and come to your senses.
Because when you are not satisfied with the decision to divorce, there are many feelings of guilt, there are many doubts, many anxieties, and every little difficulty becomes bigger.